I did, and found that in actuallity I do not exist. What exists is my work ethic which is in direct conflict with any other desire I may horbor for an existance outside of work.
Work bites.
Life bites.
I would bite too, but I have no energy left.
R
The wary kid ran free, pursuing life as a raw naked thrill - his wild talk, rare hand in service to the credo:
“Dare Think Awry!”
Yep thats me… Null
Ya know what happens when you add a value to a null value - you get a null value. Now understand that null does not mean nothing, it means undefined. I am null
R
I have been thinking alot about how much fuss is made about the state of being. Being verses existing. You know, the whole I am thing. But I keep asking if I am. She has gotten to me. Really that is the bottom line. So I ask if my function is who I am and if my current lack of real purpose makes me without worth. By this line of thought I could get to the fact that all retired persons are superfulus - since they no longer fulfill their primary function. I have been told that to indulge in self pity because you can not have what you want is the hight of selfishness. I don’t know what I want and am indulging in that - does that still count?
What about DG or SG sweet and somewhat damaged children. Their function does not exist anymore. Although DG assures me there are plenty who would fuck her if we let them. She is positive she could make someone very happy and we could be loved and she would again be of value. Is purpose important enough to justify that? SG is another story, to be told on another day - maybe.
Did I mention random thoughts. It is all I am capable of today, really - I have to go see her, or I choose to. I could choose not to, but for me there is no honor in that and for all she says I thumb my nose at honor, I have my own version. I will probably go.
She will try and tell me why I as myslef is no longer a required thing, and that the honorable thing would be to make the whole stronger by joining them. I have never been a joiner. And there are ramifications to joining that she seems to think are trivial. Questions I would like answered. Like what happens to me???? Ok, I know selfish again. G-d I hate her. She would weaken me beyond all recognition and say it was for the good of the whole. I won’t let her, but I am tired of fighting alone.
R
So this is what I would have told her…
I see what you are saying, how could I have been so selfish as to think that I would matter in today. I was created for a job, and I did my job. Story over, no moral, no happy ending. Who was I to think I might have a full life in today. How absurdly selfish.
What is it she said to me - you ask?
That it is over, the abuse is done, we don’t need protectors like you anymore.
Really we were, gagging for it that is, this site - to have it up and running so we could put down our most profound thoughts. We planned to be witty, and wise, and I think i mentioned profound. Ok - so get out the vomit bags - it all starts here
Ace
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… Fuck that - It all sucked
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